Quarter life crisis

It's my birthday in a few days and instead of looking forward to it, I'm really dreading it. I'm turning 29 this year, how fucking scary! I was 20 then I blinked my eyes and I was 28, how did this happen?
I can honestly say that since turning 26 I'm having a quarter-life crisis. In a society that is obsessed with eternal youth, getting closer to 30 can make you lose the plot! Everyone expects to have a stable job/relationship, a mortgage & kids by the time they turn 30 and this is also what I imagined when I was 15. But instead, I'm still living like when I was 20 years old, I still haven't managed to find my dream job and I'm still too scared of commitment, I can't tie myself down in a relationship that would involve the promise to spend the rest of my life with the same person.
People commonly say that "age doesn't mean anything" but when this society categorises each individual by age group this makes absolutely no sense. Each time you get closer to the next age bracket you start reflecting on your life and on what you were not able to achieve. It's so hard to keep up with this society's expectations (and with the expectations that I once had when I was younger).
I honestly don't know how am I going to cope with turning 40 when turning 30 feels like the end of my life. Maybe this society should realise that each person is different and this obsession with eternal youth are turning people insane! I sometimes wish that the world could be reinvented.

Daughter - Still

Daughter is so far one of my favourite bands. Someone wrote about Elena Tonrate that "she has the voice who mends broken heart", I couldn't agree more with this.

"Still" (lyrics)

I'll wrap up my bones

And leave them

Out of this home

Out on the road

Two feet standing on a principle

Two hands longing for each others warmth

Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats

Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go

It's spiraling down

Biting words like a wolf howling

Hate is spitting out each others mouths

But we're still sleeping like we're lovers

3 x Still with feet touching

Still with eyes meeting

Still our hands match

Still with hearts beating

Two feet standing on a principle

Two hands digging in each others wounds

Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats

Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to move

It's spiraling down

Biting words like a wolf howling

Hate is spitting out each others mouths

But we're still sleeping like we're lovers

3 x Still with feet touching

Still with eyes meeting

Still our hands match

Still with hearts beating

I'll wrap up my bones

And leave them

Out of this home

Out on the road

Two feet standing on a principle

Two hands longing for each others warmth

Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats

Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go

Running in circles

Do you ever feel like you are just running in circles?
That no matter how much effort you put in you always end up by being back to the start? I've pretty much had this feeling my whole life.
Every time I'm doing much better I always end up falling back into the same old demons. It's like I can't help myself, it's like my worst enemy is my inner me (if you understand what I mean).
It seems that the scars of my past never seem to totally heal. Because of a song, a smell, a voice, memories come flooding back into my mind. The good memories are actually the hardest to deal with, they just cruelly remind me what I have lost.
I sometimes have the feeling that I'm drowning, the feeling of being out of breath, a feeling of emptiness. Writing is one of the only way that I've found to help me breath again and to help me see things more clearly, so here I am in the darkness of my room in the early hours of the morning, trying to make sense of all the fucked up thoughts that come into my mind, trying to explain the unexplainable with words, which is clearly not an easy task...
I'm feeling psychologically and physically exhausted, I must surrender to sleep ; sleep makes everything better.

"I love sleep, my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" (Ernest Hemingway)

Wannabe Popular?

I live in a town where being popular is all that matter.
You can be the nicest person in the whole world and no one care but if you act like an arsehole and you are popular everyone will tell you how much they love you and how great you are.
So if you don't want to feel like a loser, if you want to be accepted, if you want to have the privilege to be around popular people and most important if you want to become popular yourself, there are few rules to follow:

1/ Only hang out with cool people (usually people who buy "all" their clothes at "charity shops", people who are in a band and "are going to make it", people who spend hundreds of pounds in clothes each week, but "are always poor", people who never open up to other people unless they are also "cool"...)
2/ Avoid talking to all the uncool people (usually people who don't follow the crowd, people who don't buy new clothes every week, or people who aren't invited to all the cool parties...) And if you happen to talk to these people make sure that the cool people don't see you talking to them.
3/ Always look cool. Spend all your money on clothes and when you have no money left just "borrow" money from your parents (and make sure to check out fashion bloggers to make sure to look fashionable).
4/ The more tattoos the better (it doesn't matter if your tattoos don't mean anything as long as they look cool) And don't forget to show off all these tattoos every time you are out.
5/ Join a band (if you can't sing just become a backup singer, as long as you can play a few chords on a guitar it doesn't matter as you were born with natural talent and you're going to make it anyway). If you are a girl and can't sing or play any instruments just go out with someone in a band.
6/ Make sure that you add (and accept) anyone on social media. The more "friends", the more popular you look.
7/ If you are a girl make sure that you upload selfies every day. The point is showing to everyone your "natural" beauty (the more "likes" the better).
8/ Don't forget to upload pictures every time you are out, (you have to show everyone how cool your life is and how good it is to be you).

If you follow all these rules I can guarantee you that you are going to become so popular that all the popular people in town are going to love you and the wannabes popular are going to want to become like you.
How cool your life has become?

The Sandman

Social Medias ruin our lives

When Mark Zuckerberg launched Facebook in 2004 he probably thought that he was going to get people closer to each other, but did he realise that in fact, Facebook was going to ruin millions of people's lives?

My ex made me join Facebook in 2008 to help us "keep in touch" when he moved to the other side of the world. At the time I was barely using social media, I didn't really understand the point of them and I was one of the few people who never had a Myspace account. But without realising it, I started using Facebook more and more often in 2009. At that point, I didn't realise that this was going to affect my life so much...

Twenty years ago people used to buy newspapers to keep themselves informed of the world actuality. Nowadays you just have to log in to Facebook, Twitter (etc.) to know what's going on in everyone's lives. The problem with networking websites is that it makes us think that other people's lives is so much better than ours. This constant awareness of what is happening around you is driving people to paranoia and a constant worry about what other people think of them. Out of all the social media, I personally think that Facebook is the most damaging one.

Social media sites caused a third of the divorce last year and it's clearly not difficult to understand why. However romantic relationships are never really over "thanks" to all these websites. Before Facebook, ending a relationship actually meant the end of communication for the most part but not anymore. Many people never delete their ex and still check on them on a regular basis, even if they are no longer a part of their lives. And when you finally decide to cut all ties it doesn't really change anything when your online social life is so entangled. For instance, if you have hundreds of mutual friends with your ex and he decides to set up his profile's privacy to public and upload a picture with his new "girl", well soon or later this picture will automatically end up in your newsfeed. How 'wonderful' is that! So unless you want to block all your exes/enemies from every social media (which is clearly a pain) or unless you decide to be off social media entirely, there is no way to escape from this.

We live in a world where Technology is so important and as much as I love technologies I can't help asking myself what would a world without the Internet look like?

Let's talk about music...

Lately, I have been feeling more moved by female music artists. It seems it's easier for women to express the way they feel. I just have to listen to music to feel this. I often feel that words can't totally describe the way I feel, but music certainly can! Sometimes when I listen to a song I've got the feeling that the lyrics and the music have been written for me, that the song is telling my story. When this happens, I feel deeply connected with the author of the song.
People who think that music used to be better in 'whatever period of time' annoy me as they seem blindfolded and seem to live in the past. There are so many talented artists out there, you just have to open your eyes and your ears!
Let me give you a list of musicians I've been listening to recently: Dry the River, Ben Howard, Land of Talk, We The Committee, Daughter, Lucy Rose, Bat for Lashes.

                                                          (Bat for Lashes' latest album : "The Haunted man")