Do you ever feel like you are just running in circles?
That no matter how much effort you put in you always end up by being back to the start? I've pretty much had this feeling my whole life.
Every time I'm doing much better I always end up falling back into the same old demons. It's like I can't help myself, it's like my worst enemy is my inner me (if you understand what I mean).
It seems that the scars of my past never seem to totally heal. Because of a song, a smell, a voice, memories come flooding back into my mind. The good memories are actually the hardest to deal with, they just cruelly remind me what I have lost.
I sometimes have the feeling that I'm drowning, the feeling of being out of breath, a feeling of emptiness. Writing is one of the only way that I've found to help me breath again and to help me see things more clearly, so here I am in the darkness of my room in the early hours of the morning, trying to make sense of all the fucked up thoughts that come into my mind, trying to explain the unexplainable with words, which is clearly not an easy task...
I'm feeling psychologically and physically exhausted, I must surrender to sleep ; sleep makes everything better.
"I love sleep, my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" (Ernest Hemingway)
I've definitely felt like this before...definitely a lot of the time while I was in graduate school. The primary reason I started my blog (URL should be on my name if you're interested) is because I was struggling to cope with a lot of things in my life, and I found writing to be a great escape. Granted, I've come to find quite a love for writing independent of how I feel...that said, it's still a wonderful mental release when I'm overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI actually came here through FB when I had to reactivate mine for something - we met at Wendy's birthday :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you liked writing. Writing is my passion - more so than photography. Good memories are cruel - I find myself faced with the starkness of them, especially now that it's summer. People believe that sorrow resides in darkness, in some gloomy corner that cannot be seen, but it is in the summer light that unhealed wounds gain appearance again and burn.
Hi Shankar,
DeleteYeah I saw that you've deactivated your fb shortly after we met. I also keep deleting mine. I have a love & hate relationship with fb!
I've been writing for years, I used to write a diary for about 10 years but I suddenly stopped years ago. I don't write as often now but every time I feel like I'm losing my mind writing is helping me go through things.
I hope you're good? I shall see you again when me & Wendy go up to London.